The Thursday Crystal Ball

Welcome to the¬†Thursday Crystal Ball, if you can’t see where I’m going with this post, you’re a moron.

10 Predictions for Thursday Night’s game that are bound to come true:

1. Tom Brady will scream at least one on-camera word that starts with ‘f’ in the first half. It will probably be “Fire Goodell!” or “Finish them!” or “Five touchdowns isn’t enough! Let’s get six!”

2. Antonio Brown goes for 11 catches, 134 yards, and 1 TD.

3. Despite the fact that extra points are now 32-yard field goals, neither kicker misses one. I still think this is a dumb rule, and if you own a Beast Book you know why.

4. Cris Collinsworth says the word ‘fantasy’ at least once during the broadcast, either in reference to fantasy football, or in reference to the fantasy suite episode of The Bachelor.

5. Tom Brady throws a pick before he throws a TD…but he finishes with 3 TDs and 1 INT.

6. …but Big Ben has an even better fantasy night.

7. Neither announcer mentions the fact that John Madden casually mentioned in a 1992 broadcast that all division rivals “…videotape your signal calling.”

8. Dion Lewis finishes the night as the Patriots’ leading rusher.

9. Michelle Tafoya uses an air pressure gauge down to test the air pressure of the Patriots’ balls, while noting that this year the balls have each team’s logo on them.

10. and finally, the league goes another game without any Amish people involved. Sad, really.

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